Greetings from the Odinson,
Last week’s big brawls (see Fight Night 2012 with the Odinson) were legendary, so the Odinson decided to keep the ball rolling. This week however I will not be looking at match ups I hope to one day see. No, this week I will revisit heavyweight championship fights that actually happened, and fanboys and girls everywhere rejoiced.
The Wolf Man vs. Dracula vs. Frankenstein’s Monster – From the 1930s through the 1950s, nothing dominated Big Screen horror like the Universal Monsters. Dark lonely outsiders that lived on the fringe of society, some misunderstood and feared for being different, some truly evil and feared for their diabolical intentions, and some simply supernatural creatures of the night stalking human prey. Names like the Mummy, the Bride of Frankenstein, the Invisible Man, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon terrorized mankind on the Silver Screen and in the movie aisles and became macabre legendary stars. But none shine brighter then the Big Three – Dracula, Frankenstein’s Monster, and the Wolf Man. These were the Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor of their universe, and they got along about as well as fire and water. In films like Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man, House of Frankenstein, House of Dracula, and Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, these icons of terror clashed over and over again. The plots usually revolved around Larry Talbot, the man cursed with lycanthropy, seeking a cure. Meanwhile, the sinister Count Dracula is always plotting and scheming from the shadows and the Monster smashes his way through the tale like the force of nature he is. WINNER: Dracula. As the film The Monster Squad reveals, in the end, all the Universal Monsters, sooner or later, come under control and are slaves to the power of the Lord of Vampires.
King Kong vs. Godzilla – I never understood how this battle was ever possible. Kong is 50 feet tall, while Godzilla stands over 30 stories high (that’s around 300 feet tall). Wouldn’t this battle last about as long as Godzilla vs. Bambi (a humorous scene from Godzilla 1985)? Nevertheless, this heavyweight championship bout did happen in 1963 in the classic film King Kong vs. Godzilla. Now, the movie ignores their size difference by making them equal in stature (why let a little thing like facts ruin a good time). Kong is, without a doubt, physically powerful. If a normal gorilla has roughly the strength of ten men, then extrapolating this would give the mighty Kong immeasurable strength. However, Godzilla is the veteran of a hundred battles against foes with superior strength and power. Kong has savagery and brute force on his side, and apparently the ability to conduct electricity (yeah, I thought that was weird too). Godzilla’s thick hide allows him to take monstrous amounts of damage before showing signs of slowing down. Plus, his tail can smash skyscrapers into rubble. And on top of that he can shoot forth atomic fire from his mouth that can pulverize just about anything. This film was released in both Japan and America, and I’m told with two different endings. I’ve only ever seen the America version where it is King Kong that proves victorious – kind of, but… WINNER: Godzilla. Sorry, Kong. You are definitely the King of Skull Island, but Godzilla is the King of All Monsters!
Freddy vs. Jason – Jason Voorhees is the unstoppable mass murderer that stalks the woods surrounding Crystal Lake. Freddy Krueger is the child murderer from Elm Street that met a fiery end but returned even more terrifying as the master of nightmares. Jason wears a hockey mask that bears the scares of past battles and wields a machete with deadly might. Freddy’s skin is horribly scarred from fire giving him an even more sinister look and his weapon of choice is a glove with four razor sharp blades on the end of each finger. For the entire decade of the ‘80s these two were, without a doubt, the masters of horror. But, after years of killing, Jason finally met own his end and was sent to hell. Long after the original children of Elm Street were dealt with, the next generation forgot who Freddy Krueger was, thus robbing him of his nightmarish power. Wanting that power back, Freddy opens the gates of hell and unleashes Jason back into the world to strike fear in the hearts of the children of Elm Street. His plan begins to work for with each death the fear rises and Freddy’s powers begin to return. However, Jason is a force of nature and cannot be controlled, so when the Killer of Crystal Lake starts to off would be victims intended for Freddy himself, the two horror icons head toward an unavoidable showdown. Bottom line, if the fight takes place in the dream world, Freddy wins. He is the master of nightmares after all. But if the tussle goes down in the physical world, Jason will stand victorious. Though Freddy is obviously smarter, Jason is an unstoppable juggernaut. What follows is the bloodiest battle ever seen on the Big Screen. Even Wolverine and Sabretooth cannot believe their eyes when they see the carnage these two monsters unleash on each other. WINNER: Jason. The film’s ending may be ambiguous, but for me, Jason Voorhees will always be the Heavyweight Champion of Horror.
Aliens vs. Predator – It’s the showdown every movie fan has wanted to see since that final scene aboard the Predator’s ship in Predator 2 revealed a trophy case displaying the skull of a Xenomorph. One is the galaxy’s ultimate survivor, and the other is the galaxy’s ultimate hunter. Xenomorphs impregnate victims with their alien embryo which upon maturation bursts from the host’s chest and rapidly grows into adulthood. They are a lot like giant ants with workers, soldiers, and a queen, but they are far deadlier than any mere insect. Their claws can rip a man limb-from-limb, their razor-tipped tail can strike with lightning fast accuracy, and within their elongated skulls, behind jagged saliva-soaked jaws, resides a second mandible that can extend and strike at prey from a distance. The deadliest thing about this alien creature is its blood. It’s concentrated acid, so that even if it is killed, it can still take those around it down with it. The Predator is a seven-foot bipedal beast with super human agility and strength. It is armed with an array of high tech weapons. Blades, spears, and swords of unknown metal are also favorites of this creature. Its helmet allows it to see in any spectrum and its laser-guided shoulder-cannon can cut most foes right in half. But one of the Predator’s most useful assets is its personal cloaking device which allows this universal hunter to blend in with almost any surroundings. This is a hard one to call. Especially since numbers always play a big part in these battles. A Xenomorph Queen is physically far more powerful than a Predator. Even a warrior class Xenomorph has proven superior in a one-on-one tussle. But the Predators are a warrior race and highly skilled in the arts of war. But the Aliens have the numbers. WINNER: Predator. The Aliens may be physically superior to the galaxy’s most notorious hunters, but the Predators all have a personal nuclear detonator. Even in defeat the Predator wins, for if he falls in battle, this sore loser will take out every living creature within a half mile radius.
This is Odinson bidding thee farewell