Greetings from the Odinson,
From the cul-de-sacs of Riverdale to the imposing fortress of iron and steel known as the Terror Drome they came. From across the 8th Dimension to a small garage in Ontario they came.
Gathered together from all across the multiverse to rock the casbah and entertain the masses with their rebel yells are eleven of the greatest bands in all of comics. Our MC for this musical contest is none other than the intergalactic pop star Lila Cheney. It is her interstellar teleporting mutant powers that has brought this mötley crüe of musicians together for…
The Ultimate Battle of the Bands!
This is how they placed.
11th Place: Steeltown Rockers – Sex, drugs, and rock n roll! When the steel mill closes down, this small town band has nothing left to lose and sets out to become the biggest rock band in the world. The only thing holding them back are the pitfalls of the game. Their look and sound is very reminiscent of The Boss and his East Street Band. This is quite prevalent in their only hit, Teen Mutant, an ode to the heroes of their world that keep them safe.
They chart, but next to the rest of the bands on this list, Steeltown Rockers just don’t have the sound to compete for much more than opening act.
10th Place: The Neptunes – We got Biff on lead guitar, Bubbles on keyboards, Abba-Abba Clamhead on bass, and Shelly on tambourine and eye-candy duty. But the main feature of this quaint teenage pop band is their drummer, Jabberjaw, the most futuristic shark you ever saw! The fact that this 12-foot great white plays the drums would be mind-blowing enough, but Jabberjaw can walk, talk, and shape-shift with the best of them. He really is the finniest, funniest shark you ever saw.
However, the bands bubble-gum pop tunes just can’t compete with the other bands on this list.
9th Place: Dethklok – This death metal, Adult Swim mainstay showed up to melt faces and blow hair back with their melodic, senses-shattering, guitar-driving songs about super science, worlds beyond imagination, and the supernatural. Nathan Explosion, Toki Wartooth, Magnus Hammersmith and the rest of the guys hold nothing back as they rock out with timeless metal anthems like The Galaxy, Thunderhorse, and The Lost Vikings, leaving the crowd with rictus grins they could not shake for days to come.
8th Place: The Hong Kong Cavaliers – Front man Buckaroo Banzai is a physicist, neurosurgeon, test pilot, super hero, and rock star. Along with his compatriots, the Hong Kong Cavaliers, Buck belts out the best rock n roll songs this side of the 8th Dimension! Move over Huey Lewis and the News and Eddie and the Cruisers, the Hong Kong Cavaliers are here to save the world and prove the heart of rock n roll is still beating.
7th Place: Josie and the Pussycats – Josie, Melody, and Valerie are the Pussycats. With long tails and ears for hats, this hot, sweet, super cool three-piece band tour the country solving mysteries, thwarting super villains, and entertaining the teens with their super catchy pop songs and saving the day in between gigs. Despite the bumbling efforts of Alexandra and her mischievous cat, Sebastian.
6th Place: Jem and the Holograms – When this 80s Saturday morning pop icon isn’t topping the charts with her band the Holograms, she is out solving mysteries and fighting crime. Her secret weapon is Synergy, a super sophisticated A.I. capable of creating lifelike holograms. In a testosterone-fueled landscape of Real American Heroes and Robots in Disguise, Jem stands out because she is truly outrageous and her band’s music is contagious.
5th Place: Sex Bob-Omb – With Steven Stills on vocals and lead guitar, Kim Pine on drums, and the super powered slacker Scott Pilgrim on bass, this garage band trio, with their punk sound and Beck-written tunes, can rock with the best of them and help give Pilgrim the inspiration and power he needs on his quest to defeat Ramona’s seven evil exes and win the heart of the girl of his dreams.
4th Place: Dazzler – Fronted by the mutant super hero Alison Blaire, this band takes their name from Blair’s codename that was inspired by her mutant powers, the ability to absorb sound and produce light. Many bands are known for their laser light shows during their concerts, but none of them can hold a candle to the dazzling effects Dazzler can produce when the bands rocking music connects with Blaire’s mutant super powers.
3rd Place: The Archies – Ah, is there anything those kids from Riverdale High can’t do? Archie, Betty and Veronica, Reggie, Kevin, and Jughead got together to jam and form a super group with six studio albums to their name including a Christmas album. With smile-inducing pop classics like Sugar, Sugar and Jingle Jangle, both reaching the Top 10 on the Billboard charts, the Archies are definitely a contender in this contest.
2nd Place: The Misfits – Pizzazz. Roxy. Stormer. They are punk. They are bad. And, their songs are better than Jem and the Holograms. Just ask them. They’ll tell you so. With jams like Out of My Way, Winning is Everything, and Takin’ it All the Misfits are out to prove they rock harder, play harder, and they are out to get her.
This punk trio would have won this battle of the bands too if it was not for the next band on this list.
1st Place: Cold Slither – They are a Heavy Metal Machine! The budget be damned, this band of vipers don’t play by the rules. Topping the charts with their tasty tracks, these Dreadnaughts in disguise amp up the stakes and draw the youth of the world under their influence with hypnotic tracks designed to help Cobra take over the world. You can’t tell them what’s right. You can’t tell them what’s wrong. And if you are hearing their tune, it’s already too late, because Cobra is strong!
With an iron fist and reptile hiss, Cold Slither rules!
The contest was close. It was the Ultimate Battle of the Bands! The stage is thrashed. Millions of faces showed up from all across the multiverse to bear witness and these bands did not disappoint. They rocked them all!
There’s just one thing left to do and that’s to turn out the lights, the party’s over.
This is Odinson bidding thee farewell
NOTE: For past entries of the So Sayeth the Odinson blog, over a decade’s worth of comic book and pop culture articles and reviews, click HERE. Also, be sure to check out my novels The Survivors and Autumn Dawn, which were inspired by 1980s horror – HERE and HERE