Greetings from the Odinson,
This Week in Pop Culture Olympics: The 100-Yard Dash
We have quite an event for you this week, folks. The six fastest characters from across the realms of fiction and pop culture have come together to decide once and for all who is the fastest. We have representatives from the worlds of comic books, cartoons, and video games. Only the best of the best for this race, folks. So let’s get this show on the road!
Our runners take their positions on the track.
On your mark! Get set! Go!
And, they are o… What’s that? The race is over? Well, as you can see folks, we weren’t kidding around when we said these were the fastest of the fast. Okay, let’s just rewind the tape and take a look at the race in really, really super slow mo.
6th Place: Mario – “I’m-a-Mario!” – Empowered by mushrooms and the invincible Starman, and clocking in at a decent 35mph, Mario was right in the mix at the start. However, it seems years of pizza pies have caught up to our little beloved Italian plumber, as the effects of Starman wear off, our plump little icon runs out of gas and finishing in last place.
5th Place: Speedy Gonzales – “Andale! Andale! Arriba! Arriba!” – Clocking in at an impressive 100mph, just ahead of Mario, we have the fastest mouse in all of Mexico! Looney Tunes stars like Sylvester the Cat and Daffy Duck could never lay a finger on this diminutive speedster, but in this race, Speedy’s little legs just could not keep up.
4th Place: The Road Runner – “BEEP! BEEP!” – Our radar puts our feathered friend at just over 200mph and climbing, even as he crosses the finish line. That kind of speed sure does come in handy when trying to avoid the hungry grasp of Wile E. Coyote on the desert plains of New Mexico, but unfortunately it’s not fast enough to medal in this race.
3rd Place: Sonic the Hedgehog – “Hey, pump it up!” – Taking home the Bronze Medal and moving so fast that he appears, even in super slow motion, as a furry cannonball, is Sega’s iconic Hedgehog! Clocking in at an astonishing 3,000mph, Sonic definitely made a race of it. Though his speed may help him in his battles against the notorious Doctor Eggman, even Sonic could not keep up with the next two contestants in this race.
2nd Place: Quicksilver – “You didn’t see that coming?” – Taking home the Silver Medal is the surly son of Magneto, Pietro Maximoff. Normally, Pietro hovers around the speed of sound (over 700mph), but for this competition, he’s not holding anything back. Unleashing his full potential, we have him clocked at ten times that. He pushed himself to well over 7,000mph, but still, it was not enough to take home the Gold.
1st Place: The Flash – “My name is Barry Allen and I am the fastest man alive.” – Finishing in first place is the man, the myth, the legend, the Crimson Comet himself – Barry Allen. Folks, this is a man that outran Death, so it should come as no surprise when we clocked him moving at over ten times the speed of light! For those keeping score at home that’s 2, 997, 924, 580 miles per second. In fact, as we slow our super slow motion cameras down even slower, we can see that not only did the Flash win this race, but he in fact ran the race several hundred times, lapping the other contestants in the process and was waiting for them with a smile, and arms open with power bars and Gatorade at the finish line.
The Flash is our Gold Medal winner!
NOTE: For some of the greatest races in history check these out – Looney Tunes #165, Superman vs. Flash, Cartoon Network Presents #7, Wacky Raceland, Bugs Bunny and the Tortoise, and Quasar #17 and 58.
This is Odinson bidding thee farewell
NOTE: The Odinson’s book is now available for purchase! Five strong women who have all lived through vicious attacks by a demented madman team up to seek out the murderer that haunts a small east Texas town and attempt to end his reign of terror once and for all. For anybody interested, just follow this link – The Survivors: A Glen Haven Tale.